I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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