Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
