Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
