Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Randomize
