I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
A bitchslap is in order.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
