i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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