And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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