pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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