I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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