I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
