I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
