So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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