i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
40s are totally the cure
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
