Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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