I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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