your thong is hanging out like whoa
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
