Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
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