so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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