Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
