The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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