If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
