I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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