Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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