I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
