I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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