I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
