you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
