so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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