Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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