I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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