More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
