didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
