K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
