its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
