I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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