I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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