I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
