Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
