and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
