Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
