either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
