The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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