I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
