May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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