i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
