I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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