If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
