Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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