made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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