I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
